Throw a card

                            Throw a card

           

It might sound like
an exaggeration
And even as I'm afraid that's true
I feel, I've nothing left to see or loose,
I've met everyone I ought to meet
And no one else do I wish to know...
You might ask me
Why it's so...
I feel so old already
Can you spot those wrinkles around my eyes?
Even at this ripe age of twenty two
I feel there will be nothing to perceive
and take me by surprise...

I've met and known my
friends who'll stay
A woman like me 
Will only polish her old pearls 
and would'nt replace them with new beads...
For I've also had  friends
who betrayed
And taught me to part ways 
with companions 
who then become acquaintances
to strangers who are soon forgotten...

I've also known male friends
who preached feminism and Beauvoir!
But seldom lent an ear
to any opinion I dared to share
Amidst their disputes and debates...
And needless to mention their countless infidelities and affairs
Of course, women are too complex,
Unlike Beauvoir who was simple 
and they liked to read and discern...


I've had good teachers
Who taught with a passion that made me learn,
I've also had ones who made me question life...
Their or mine,
I now fail to remember!

I have known a love...
and convinced myself that it's not here to stay,
Like a paper boat that wobbles in a bucket lake
And then fails and lies to rest in that little space...

I have been desired by an older man,
Who tried to get closer and touch my hands
I can't remember his face,
For an image of a green reptile now clogs my mind
A reptile creeping up my arms
I shrug and dust it away...

I have failed my parents and myself
And seen failure, jeer and mock at me
I have had sleepless nights with yellow and red pills by my side
Singing a lullaby filled with lament
Trying to put myself asleep...

I have known the temporary trance that a success can endow
while it smirks at my face
And makes me the fool...
who is left alone to gape at herself...

I've also felt an ecstasy,
in feeling every touch,and stare
and even a friendly gaze I've shared
I 've also felt the urge to rip apart that
little throb in my pulse
And close my eyes to a red that'll blind me
and put me to an eternal rest!

And whatever is to come,
could it be very different  from what I have felt or seen?
Similar people would I meet,
Ghosts of friends,lovers and family.
'Uncertain life',  full of twists and turns...
I throw my card on the table,
Why don't you throw yours and play this game with me?